welcome to Big Feelings
thoughts, feelings and opinions from someone who experiences it all very deeply. relatable? I'm so happy you're here 🤓
At a very young age, I was quickly labeled “the quiet one”. Teachers, other kids, coaches, family members all seemed to only notice one thing- my inability to speak up right away when thrust into a social setting. I remember being extremely bothered by this new identity, like someone had written “SHY” on a name tag in bold letters and stuck it on the front of my shirt. I kept thinking, “is this all that I am? they haven’t even really tried to get to know me.”
People seemed confused, annoyed even, at my timidness and often felt the need to call it out. This only made me retreat further even though I knew that at the core of my being I was so much more than this. Not only that, but I was soon conditioned to believe that being quiet and cautious were unfavorable traits to have.
I was also a very sensitive kid, which made it easy for me to internalize these labels. I carried them with me throughout elementary school all the way to college and felt so limited by the tight space that they forced me into. It was difficult for me to shake off other people’s quick judgments, even if they had no ill-intent behind them. I had already made up my mind about what people meant when they called me shy or sensitive. I put my blinders on, not accepting any other opinions. I ducked my head below the crowd in hopes that no one would notice me. Why try to put in any effort to show them the other parts of who I am if they can only see one thing?
The truth was that I preferred to observe what was going on around me before taking the plunge. I needed to dip my toes in and test the temperature of the water. I liked to get a sense of everyone’s personality, I knew everyone had different complexities to them and I enjoyed noticing those nuances. It felt safer for me to watch people interact for a bit before inserting myself into someone else’s conversation. I just wanted people to give me time to digest some of that before deciding who I was.
With time, I’ve begun to learn that this makes some people uncomfortable for their own personal reasons. Maybe they are wondering whether or not I’m judging them or maybe they need that immediate interaction with other people to help them escape from their own internal criticisms. I doubt these labels all came from a place of harsh judgment, but then again, maybe some of them did.
Point is, I just wanted people to see me in a real way, but I had no clue how to make that happen. Yes I was timid and sensitive, but I wanted desperately to show people how much I loved to laugh and how I was able to make the ones I felt safe with also laugh. I wanted to show everyone how much I thrived in the depths of creativity. I loved to sing, write, dance and, oddly enough, perform for my close family any chance that I got. As little as the age of 5, I would empty the contents of my dresser, carry them with little arms into the living room, put on Viva Las Vegas starring Ann-Margret and do several costume changes while performing each song for my mom. I wanted to show people this vibrancy, but I didn’t know that it could exist in the same space as my sensitivity.
As I’ve gotten older, I am less often labeled “the quiet one”, in part because I’ve started to learn that the people for me will listen and hear all of the right parts. I’ve also learned that my sensitivity and ability (?) to feel things deeply is not going away. It’s something that will always be sewn into my being. It’s something that I am still learning how to live with and, more importantly, learning that it’s a trait that is okay to have- maybe even a favorable one 😉
With that being said, welcome to Big Feelings. Good chances you’re here because the name spoke to you in some way (or maybe you’re just wondering why someone would put all of this personal info on the internet LOL, which is fine too). I hope you enjoy reading some of my musings, struggles, joys and big feelings.
Wonderful idea Julia! I love what you wrote! Bravo!
Love this platform and love you expressing who you are so beautifully💞